To be honest, I have been feeling a lack in inspiration... trust me, I have plenty to write about in terms of material. I mean my 2 year old shit on the floor last week & my son had a recent trip to the ER. But I am struggling to put together a piece that feels both authentic & substantial.
That being said, in an effort to find inspiration I went back and read some of my favorite blogs. Almost every single one of these women talk about their favorite, must have baby products. SO… here you are friends, Samantha Smith’s top 10 baby products, you’re welcome! Owlet Monitor This. Is. EVERYTHING. I seriously love this little piece of magic. I spent who knows how much time standing over Holiday watching her breathe. Let’s be real she is two and I still get up to check and make sure her chest is rising and falling. The owlet monitor is a little sock that wraps around your baby’s foot and gives constant stats directly to your phone. I literally check Wyatt’s Oxygen and heart rate several times a night right from my phone! I also subscribed to Owlet’s connected care, which gives you averages of your baby’s oxygen level, heart rate, and sleep time. Recently this little jewel has become FSA/HSA approved!! Holler! Truly the best $300 pre tax dollars you’ll ever spend. **When asked what would be the absolute necessary product you would need if I was gone for a period of time, my husband answered that the Owlet monitor is a must for dads!** Snuggle Me We co slept with Holiday all the time. Which was both wonderful & scary at the same time. A huge source of my anxiety following giving birth to Holiday were these huge decision that you make as a parent, like whether to co sleep or not. I knew that there may be times with Wyatt that Steve and I would have Wyatt in our bed so the Snuggle Me Organic was a logical purchase for us. It is a lounger that is made from all organic materials. The lounger has a center sling in which the baby is cradled in and the sides of the lounger should prevent you or your partner from rolling over into the baby’s space. In our house we use it for sleeping, lounging in the living room, and is one of the only ways I can get a shower in on those crazy days when Wyatt has to be in the room with me wherever I go. - I just set him up in the lounger on the floor and generally with the white noise and steam from the shower he gets probably one of the best naps! They also have super cute covers that are machine washable, which is perfect for expert blowout-ers like my son :) Premium Auto Rock 'n Play Sleeper with SmartConnect ... OMG this thing right here is straight up amazing. There were so many nights that I would sit in my living room with Wyatt in his sister’s old rock n play and with my foot in the side of the rocker and a glass of wine in my hand I would rock him until he fell asleep. The premium auto rock n play rocks all by its damn self! The rocker also has a built in sounds machine and a projector that projects a little show on to the inside of the overhead canopy. Oh! And bonus you can control ALL of this from your phone! HALO - SleepSack Wearable Blankets - Safe Sleep for Babies Do you even swaddle bro? Both of my kids are burrito babies. The more snug the swaddle the better. Take this evening for example, Wyatt was WIDE. AWAKE. Bright eyed bushy tailed, whatever cute obnoxiously awake-ism you want to use..he was it. After a while though, like all small humans, he started to get fussy. Insert Halo Sleep Sack. I swaddled him, stuck a binky in his mouth and Voila! He’s asleep in literally like 2.5 seconds! I was shocked as hell to find out when we were in the hospital after I had Wyatt that FMC used these sleep sacks for their newborns!... see! I knew I was doing something right. Little Remedies® Gripe Water | Little Remedies Burp, Fart, Grunt, repeat! My were and still are HELLA GASSY. I feel like the first two months of both of their little lives were spent red faced & pushing out some sort of gas. “But on the third day…” oops sorry wrong story, no but seriously, insert Angel choir here, GRIPE FREAKING WATER has saved us! Magic little homeopathic bubbles to help calm the bubbliest of bubble guts, i.e. my children. You can use it in their bottles, before or after feedings, at bed time, whenever! If you have a gassy tiny human, go buy this stuff! In our house we use the Little Remedies brand, but I’m pretty sure all gripe waters are created equal Kiinde Pumping System Pump, Pump, Pump it up! I struggled to breastfeed with both of my babies. So I pumped and am still pumping to this day. The nice thing about this time around is I have the Kiinde, which comes with Every. Single. Pump adapter so that you can pump into little storage bags to help keep air out and gas at bay for your little one! The system also comes with a special bottle warmer that is like a jacuzzi for breast milk, the theory behind it is it gently heats the breast milk, so that it does not lose any of the essential nutrients. I serious love this thing! Oh! And you can purchase the system as well as any extra parts using your FSA as well! Baby K'tan Baby Carriers and Wraps Not all wraps are created equal! With Holiday I had tried several different baby wearing gadgets and was unsatisfied with all of them. But with Wyatt I had read several reviews about the k’tan wrap and decided to give it a try. It is SO easy to use… easy enough my husband put it on last night, put Wyatt in it and did dishes… yes, he is amazing, and no he is not available… duh. I went grocery shopping today with both kids, both two years or younger and had my hands to grab my groceries and intercept my daughter from grabbing a grapefruit that would’ve caused a good section of the produce section to become a tripping hazard. The wrap had two loops that you can easily maneuver, as seen in the instructions either in the packaging that the wrap comes in or on their website. Place them over your head, put your arms through them, follow few more steps and you are good to go. Baby wearing at its finest! Lovey My family is big on loveys. I had Charlie, a stuffed bear my dad gave me for.ev.er. Seriously you can ask my siblings, my parents, my best friends, my husband, this little guy went everywhere with me...well into be considered an adult I must add embarrassingly. Charlie has been to Mexico, Peru and Spain, as well as encountered drunken trips in Vegas and Portland… anyways enough about me… I mean Charlie… Holiday has her “mimi” its a blanket that she sleeps with every. Single. Night. This blanket is a huge source of comfort for her. She cries for it when she is upset, when she first started at school we allowed her to bring it with her as she adjusted to her new normal. Kids get freaked out over stuff and if a blanket or a bear can make shit just a little less scary I say let them have it! *fun fact - I read an article that if you and family members sleep with various blankets and then introduce them upon bringing a new baby home from the hospital, it will help the child identify with those people and their specific scents.** WubbaNub Infant Pacifier Anyone who knows me after I had my daughter, knows I have a love hate relationship with wubbanubs. First, they are amazing. The little animal attached to the pacifier not only allows for a little buddy but has also helped keeping the pacifier in place for a fussy or sleeping baby but it also makes it a lot harder to lose. Holiday used the SHIT out of her wubbanubs (yes there were multiple) we weaned her from these little guys only a few months ago… yes she is two, yes the pacifier states 0 to 6 months. Don’t judge hater. Prosecco Mamas, drink the hell up! Personally I am on my 3rd glass of prosecco for the evening and I have to say I pretty impressed at the fact that I can still spell. A little indulgence goes a long way… screw moderation! ...and thank God for spell check. Xoxo, Sam
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So here we are, a little over a week since Wyatt came into the world.
I truly cannot believe it’s been a week already. It has been one of those periods in time when the days melt into each other and you have hard time telling what day of the week it is...but in a good way. Coming home gave me SO much anxiety. I had planned to stay in the hospital as long as they would let me so that I could utilize all of the resources available, like the lactation specialist given the difficulties I had with breastfeeding with Holiday I woke up the day after Wyatt was born with an anxious heart, I was sweating and the anxiety was just oozing out of my pores. I laid there next to my sleeping baby repeating over and over that “this will pass” , got up took a shower, opened the blinds, anything to change the space that I was in. And then I waited, for my dr. come in. Part of my arsenal against postpartum depression was and is zoloft. I had been put on this medication a month after having Holiday and have continued to take it over the last two years, including throughout my pregnancy with Wyatt. The conversation I wanted to have with my Dr. was upping my dosage, along with adding in amino acid supplements to part of my daily routine. I had read a study at the beginning of my pregnancy that used amino acids to help compensate for the change in brain chemistry following giving birth. Thank God for my Dr. who is open to my suggestions about my care and truly listening to me. So the game plan was to up my dosage 25 mg and follow up with her in two weeks vs the normal 6 week postpartum visit. So we went home earlier than expected, because I just could not be away from Holiday any longer. I missed her sweet face SO much. The entire drive home that same anxiety from earlier pulsed through my veins. I kept looking in the rear view looking at my babies and bracing myself for walking into my home. And it was… home. I tiptoed around waiting for the darkness to envelop me. But watching my husband snuggled on the couch with all three kids brought me the kind of fulfillment that I didn't think possible. I have to say that this time around feels totally different. I have been making a conscious effort to keep my own needs in mind, keeping my tank full with good food and staying hydrated, praying and journaling, showering, the little things that you take advantage of when your world isn't turned completely upside down. After working extensively with a lactation specialist while in the hospital, I made the decision to forego breastfeeding…. Again. At first I was so disappointed that yet again I was not able to breastfeed, something that I wanted so badly to come naturally. But I also refused to send myself into a tailspin. So I decided to pump and supplement, just like I did with Holiday. Pumping sucks, it is so damn time consuming and I literally feel like a milk cow because I am attached to this damn pump every two to three hours. BUT it also allows for Steve to help with feedings and it is what works for me and what works for Wyatt. #fedisbest It truly feels like he has always been here in a way. Holiday adores him and he is I think one of the most laid back people I have ever known, sometimes he just stares into me with his big blue eyes and it's like we have known eachother forever. I was not prepared for this type of homecoming or second chapter with my second baby. I expected darkness and loneliness but with the help of my amazing support system, my phenomenal husband, and my babies who keep it all in perspective I am trekking my way through, and taking it one day at a time. Back when I was a teenager, living in the bay area, running around doing hoodrat shit with my friends, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would live on an acre, own 3 dogs, a cat, 4 chickens, and two pigs. Nor did I ever imagine that I would give birth to my son in the passenger side of our Dodge Ram...but I did.
So here's the story, Tuesday night I had mexican food. Tacos Los Altos to be exact, if you live in Flagstaff and you are reading this you likely nodded your head and then thought of their rolled tacos or carne asada fries. Anyways, we had mexican food, put Holiday to bed and went to bed myself. Well actually I ended up writing my last blog post because although exhausted I could not fall asleep. Went to bed around 11:30 and woke up at 2:00 with what I thought was revenge of Tacos Los Altos. But then I realized no, this was something different, these were contractions and painful ones at that. Just to give you a little bit of background, I have an "irritable uterus" which how an organ can have feelings I will never know, its kind of that whole "depressed vagina" thing I guess...but whatever. So basically I had been contracting for weeks, painful? no, uncomfortable? yes and SUPER annoying. But they don't accomplish anything so I ignore them. The contractions I had this time around we not irritable uterus contractions, these bad boys were INTENSE and freaking PAINFUL AF. So I jumped in the shower in an attempt to get them to calm down which they did, kinda... Well as soon as I got back into bed they started with a vengeance... psh screw revenge of Tacos Los Altos, this was revenge of my irritable uterus! and it was GO Time! So my husband is rushing through the house trying to gather everyone's things (Mama Tip: Have hospital and baby bag packed at like 36 weeks just in case, this saved our ass) He grabs Holiday and all the while I feel like I'm GOING. TO. DIE. and because we live in the boonies I have to hop in the truck and ride for 20 minutes to the hospital... Well, we get in the truck and because my husband is my husband it definitely did not take us 20 minutes to get to the hospital (Thanks babe) I don't know how long it took, but what I can tell you is in those minutes I was coming out of my skin, it was a pain that just thinking about it blows my mind. Hands down the worst pain of my entire life. We get to the 3rd level of the FMC parking garage and park. I look at Steve and tell him "I need to push" and he looks at me and says "No no no you don't" with a look of complete terror. From the time it took for him to walk to the passenger side of the truck I had already pushed and my son's head was out. My poor husband ran into the hospital to get help and within seconds he was back with two amazing nurses who found my son with his cord tightly wrapped around his neck. She removed it from around his neck and asked me to push one more time, and he was born. However he didn't make a sound... I got into the wheelchair and they covered him with blankets and told me to rub him over and over to keep him warm. As they hurried me to the labor and delivery department I kept asking if my baby was alive if he was ok and the nurse ever so calmly kept telling me to just keep rubbing him, which is exactly what I did. When we got into the room that I shouldve had my child in, the cord was quickly cut and my baby was taken by a wonder special care team. I was taken to a bed to finish the delivery process, but my eyes stayed fixated on the side of the room where 4 people worked diligently on my son. It felt like being on the teacups at disneyland. You can see people and things around you but things are moving so fast that you can't focus and everything becomes this big blur. But when this particular teacup stopped, they put my son in my arms and good Lord Christ in heaven he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I have to be honest, I was terrified my whole pregnancy. I was scared that by being pregnant and bringing another baby in our family that I was taking something away from my daughter. I was afraid of having and going through postpartum depression, I was afraid of the approaching sleepless nights and starting all over again with a new baby. But most of all I was terrified I would not be able to connect with this new baby, how could I possibly love anything or anyone as much as I love my daughter. How do I split my heart, my time, my attention? But this insane experience that God gave me has me looking at this an entirely new way. I am powerful and strong, I mean seriously, I had a baby med free in the passenger seat of our truck. I am resilient, like my gorgeous son who although born with a cord wrapped tightly around his neck is perfect and healthy. I have the most amazing husband who moved through the chaos with quick and steady thinking and of course superb driving skills. I have learned that your heart grows... I love both of my babies in a way I didnt think I could love, my heart literally just doubled in size. And the balance...well that will come, I am taking one day at a time because I only have control over a very very small portion of it all. I have been really struggling lately.
I have spent two seperate days in the labor & delivery department, which I think may have spawned a little bit of PTSD. I’ve been sick as shit and I think the general feeling of well, being pregnant is catching up to me. I had a mini meltdown Saturday night watching the nutcracker with my family. All because the thought of a tiny baby joining us in that moment was so ridiculously overwhelming. I had flashbacks of holding Holiday and feeling sad, anxious, overwhelmed and alone. And then came the tears, all those damn, stupid tears. I kept repeating to myself, this will be a totally different experience. I’m not a rookie anymore. All those things that made me so anxious, really shouldn’t make me anxious any longer. But at the same time, I remember after having Holiday my sister saying to me, “you thought you had anxiety before? Welcome to mom anxiety - which never goes away.” Which by the way is completely and utterly true. I was a worrier, a worst case scenario thinker before, but becoming a mom made me a nervous wreck. And although I would like to think of myself as a semi seasoned mom, this never ever goes away. Almost two years later, I am still a nervous wreck. I have begun to fill my arsenal, reading articles and blogs about acupuncture and supplements. Contacting a counselor, whom I am SUPER excited to start seeing. (Who gets excited to see a counselor LOL?) Deciding how I am going to exercise once cleared to do so. Making checklists and schedules, because when you’re Type A lists make the world spin. Anything that will help, or at least make me feel like I have some sort of control over all of this. My husband keeps reminding me that “we got this”. He laid down next to me on the couch as I am bawling and said to me “Sam, you beat this already. You KNOW that you can get through it.” And let me tell you, two sentences have never held so much weight nor have I repeated them to myself so many times. I guess it must be the unknown. An unknown different from the first time around. You see, the first time the unknown is ignorance, which may not be blissful, but there are no concrete expectations. The second time around, although I know what to expect, the thought of it being different; good or bad, scares me. Which now saying that outloud, or typing it rather, makes zero sense. But I bet my fellow veteran moms know exactly what I am talking about. Everything from labor and delivery, to breastfeeding, to his first day and night here at home, it’s all a mystery but one that I unfortunately have these foggy anxiety filled memories of. I have been praying, A LOT. I prayed and meditated when I was going through PPD the first time. I sometimes end of feeling guilty because I feel that I am using God as some magic lamp - rub it three times and ask him to nod his head and cure me, or whatever. As much as I would like to give the credit to him of leading me out of the darkness with Holiday, it wasn’t just him. But it sure as shit helped, divine intervention maybe? Or maybe someone to just talk to, to unburden my heart to.... I really wanted to make this blog entry fun, gush over the cool new gadgets and doo dads I’ve been collecting for Wyatt’s arrival. And fawn over the fact that Holiday has been lifting my shirt and kissing my belly goodnight every night. But, my heart and my mind are burdened and I needed to type, read and share my thoughts so that they didn’t rot inside of me. And this helps, so thanks for listening friends. :) Xoxo, Sam So as of today we are T-minus 38 days out from my little man's due date. This pregnancy has gone by so. damn. fast its not even funny. No seriously, not funny, in the way that I almost feel less prepared for this kid than I did with my daughter, who sits here happily on my lap watching Netflix as I type away. #momoftheyear Don't get me wrong, I have almost everything that we need Car seat - Check Bassinet - Check Swing - Check Pump - Check Blah, blah, blah But mentally I'm SO not ready, not even freaking close. So let me give you a little bit of background. My first pregnancy with my daughter was amazing until about 30 weeks, which is when it turned into a shit show... two words, Magnesium Sulfate. Labor and delivery was pretty damn easy but the 4 to 6 months that followed were the hardest of my entire life. I had the worst post partum depression and anxiety and became a completely different person, one I to this day don't even recognize. That being said I have been terrified from the moment that the pee stick showcased those two little lines. Why?, because there is no possible way to prepare for the darkness. But wait, let me check myself before I take off into the gloom and doom. There may not be a way to prepare for it, but there is several sure as shit ways to kick its ass. Enter, this blog. I read hundreds of blog posts about post partum depression and anxiety. No, I'm not kidding...HUNDREDS. I found them SO helpful, because when you are in the darkness you feel like you are the only mama in the history of the world that is scared to hold her beautiful baby, or who cries when your husband leaves the house or who just wants to run the fuck away. I hope to God that I can help even one mama who is in that space. AND hopefully by doing so I can keep one foot outside of the darkness as I start this new journey. So welcome to Unlatched Love xx, Sam |
AuthorFull time working mama, anxious /introvert & sometimes chronic over sharer. On the wild runaway train of raising a pre-teen stepdaughter, a sassy toddler and welcoming a newborn. Archives
February 2018
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